Road to recovery
by shygirly
Summary: Carby future fic. Major carby moments!
1. Changes

This fic is set sometime next season after Kem has gone back to Africa.

Chapter one

Sometimes I feel like I have lived so many different lives, one will end and then I would start another.  When I first came to County General I was a married labor and delivery nurse.  Then I was a divorced med student.  Next I was an ER nurse, dating an ER attending and then the next year I was the ER charge nurse dating the Chief Resident.  Every year I have made a change.  I have run away from everything that has gotten too difficult and become someone else.  Without fail, this past year I also became someone else.  I went back to medical school and I am finally a doctor, a single doctor.   

I think that I am finally happy with who I am and I now don't anticipate any other changes, at least in my career anyway.  I am what I always wanted to be, but it just took me a while to get here.  I've dealt with so much in my life, jumped so many hurdles and dodged so many daggers that have been thrown my way.   I can't think of much that is unresolved.  Even my relationship with Carter has become somewhat normal.  I was surprised when he offered to pay my tuition for my remaining quarter of school last spring, but I guess that meant to him that I was his friend and Carter is always one to help out his friends.  It's odd to me how easy it is to be around him after all the hurt that I felt when he decided to stay in the Congo and break up with me in a letter.  I was angry at him for a long time and he was lucky that he wasn't around for that.  When he got back, I guess I felt like that chapter of my life was over, that it didn't matter that I was still feeling the pain that he caused.  By then I was a new person, a med student, and I had too much to concentrate on and not enough time to spend harping over a man that had a pregnant girlfriend.  

It's been three weeks since his no longer pregnant girlfriend has left and gone back to the Congo.  I can't believe that I had moved so much past the issues I had with John into actually being excited for him to be a father.  It surprised me how upset I was when they lost the baby; I never thought that I would be okay with Carter having a life that didn't include me.  I heard a rumor that he asked Kem to marry him and that she turned him down and went back home to Africa, leaving him all alone here with nothing.  I saw him briefly last week and asked him how he was.  He looked horrible, it actually looked as if he was drinking or using again, and now of course, as if I don't have other things to worry about, I am worried about him.  For three weeks he has been moping around the hospital, acting like a jerk and practicing irresponsible medicine.  I never would have thought, after all the pushing he did to get me to stop drinking, that he would relapse. 

As for my life, I think that I am finally proud of my self for graduating and becoming a first year resident.  I've been sober and smokeless for almost a year now.  I go to meetings a couple times a week and have a life based around my work and my sobriety.  I think everything is finally working my way.  

I'm almost done with my shift and I feel like I just need to get home and get some sleep, but I know that I should go to a meeting first.  I walk in and see a crowd of familiar people.  Most of the people that go to this meeting are regulars.  I feel comfortable around them; I don't have to hide when I'm here.  

I spot someone I've never seen before sitting in the corner of the room.  He looks like he's maybe my age, dark hair, piecing blue eyes, beautiful smile.  Yes, he's smiling at me across the room.  He's dressed in a suit; I'm guessing that he's on his way home from work.  I all of the sudden am not hearing anything that the speaker is saying.  For some reason I am drawn to this man.  Besides the fact that he's gorgeous, there's something about him that makes me want to know him.  

The meeting is over and I see him walking my way from the other side of the room.  I guess he noticed me checking him out.

"Hi, Seth Parker"  He extends his hand to shake mine.  He's introducing himself as if he's got a business proposition for me.  I bet he's a lawyer or something.

"Abby . . . Lockhart"  His eyes are incredible.  "Is this your first meeting, I've never seen you here before?"

"No, no, it's my first time here, but definitely not my first meeting. . . Um do you want to grab a cup of coffee?"  

I look at him trying to determine if he might be dangerous, I have never actually had coffee with a total stranger, but he's so gorgeous, I've got to accept.

"I won't bite, I swear."  I give him a smile and accept.

We walk out of the meeting to a quiet coffee house nearby and I quickly excuse myself to the ladies room so I can check myself out.  If I am going to sit and have coffee with a gorgeous man, I better look good.  I smile in the mirror and sweep my bangs to the side of my face; I actually look kind of cute tonight.  I leave the bathroom, satisfied with my appearance and slide into the booth across from Seth.  He smiles as I join him, two cups of coffee already on the table.  

"What do you do Seth?"  I don't know why, but I am so intrigued by him.

"I'm a surgeon over at Northwestern Hospital."  I give him a big smile.  This might work well for me. "What do you do?"

"Well, I'm an ER resident over at County."  We smile at each other; maybe this was meant to be.

"Isn't that perfect, I do mostly emergency surgery."  I shake my head at him still smiling.

"Why haven't I seen you at this meeting before?"  

"I actually just moved here from Philadelphia. . . How ah . . long have you been sober."  I'm always amused by the way that people ask this.  There is always an embarrassing tone, like they are asking how many people you've slept with or something. 

"Ten days"  I dead pan it and he looks at me like he's searching for an excuse to bail.  "I'm just kidding"  I laugh at his reaction "About seven years."  I figure I don't need to tell him about the year and a half that I took off.

"Oh, good."  I can tell he's relieved, but this is good.  It's good to know that he wouldn't want to deal with someone newly sober, because I wouldn't want to either.

"You?"  I ask him back.

"Almost ten years"  I look at him like I know him, somehow I am already comfortable with this man.  Maybe it's because he's a doctor. 

We talk for over an hour, learning about each other; well really me learning about him.   Not that he was talking too much, but I was offering very little.  I don't want to tell him about my family and I don't want to tell him about my relationship with Carter, so there isn't much more to talk about besides work, which is fine because we work in the same field.  I learned that he moved here after he divorced his wife of eight years, leaving behind his two children.  I can tell that this man is lonely.  I don't think he has many people in his life that live in Chicago.  

We scheduled to go on a real date tomorrow night and I have to say, I'm excited for it.  I haven't been out with anybody since Carter.  I figured I would take a break from dating for a while to concentrate on medical school, but now that that's over, I can have a little bit of fun.  Hey, and maybe I can have a little bit of sex too, I am human after all.

It's been about a month weeks since my first date with Seth and I have seen him at least every other day since then.  Most of those times are late night; I think our relationship is based mostly on sex, which isn't such a bad thing.  I haven't opened up to him yet, but I am trying to, little by little, I will.  I do have feelings for him, but I keep him at bay, only getting close to him when were in bed.  It's nice to have somebody to sit with and holds hands with at meetings; we usually meet at them after work a couple days a week and then go back to my place to reward ourselves.  I am so attracted to this man; it's hard to keep my hands off him.  I'm not sure why, but he can't keep his hands off me either.  He treats me wonderfully too, always bringing me flowers when he shows up at my door.  We haven't discussed anything serious at all yet, right now I think were just having fun.  

I'm half way through my shift when I hear Seth calling my name as I spot him up at the front desk.  He walks up to me, planting a big kiss on my lips, his hands on my waist as if I am his.  I'm surprised to see him here; he's never shown up at the hospital before.

"What are you doing here?"  I have a huge smile plastered on my face.  Maybe I really do like this guy.  

"I thought maybe I could take you to lunch?"  
 I think I could get used to this.

"Okay"  I quickly peck him on the lips as I notice someone looking at us out of the corner of my eye.  I pull away from Seth and see who it is and I immediately feel guilty.

"Carter, hi"  I have to keep reminding myself that he paraded around this hospital with his pregnant girlfriend for sixth months.  I shouldn't feel bad about him seeing me kiss another man.  It's not like he still has feelings for me anyway.  He looks horrible though, I know he's using, and now I feel guilty because he's so miserable and I'm so happy.  "Um, Seth Parker, John Carter"

"Good to meet you"  Carter of course is polite as usual.  Seth turns to me, pretty uninterested in my friend.

"Lunch, babe?"  He asks me.  Whoa, wrong time to call me babe for the first time.

"Sure, um, give me a minute and I'll be right out, kay?"  

I watch Seth walk away, leaving Carter and me at the counter alone.  Well this is awkward.  I walk into the lounge, feeling carter at my heels.

I quickly turn around and he bumps right into me.

"So, how long have you been dating the suit?"  I don't want to judge him, but it looks like he's been drinking.

"About a month."  I change the subject quickly, concerned about him.  "Carter, why don't you come to a meeting with me tonight?"  I walk over to where he's sitting and reach out to touch his arm, but he pulls away from me.  For a minute, I think he's hurt by me.  I'm sure he's just angry, angry at the world for is losses.

"I'm not using Abby. So where did you meet him?"

"Carter, I can see that you need help here, and stop changing the subject."   I rest my hands on my hips.  This man needs a good ass whooping.  He's the one that taught me not to through everything away just because something bad happens.  

"You're the one changing the subject."  He's being defensive now and I can tell that I'm not going to get anywhere with him, at least not today in the lounge.

"I'm going to lunch" 

I walk out of the room and almost turn back.  I'm just not sure what to do here. I think Carter really needs me right now, but I don't know that I should be the one to pick up the pieces for him.  There is another part of me that wants to rescue him like he has done for me in the past.  It's that part of me that so firmly believes in being there for a fellow addict, but I guess this case is different, seeing that this fellow addict has broken my heart.  

I continue to walk out of the hospital.  There is no point in trying to talk to him now; it's obviously not a good time.


	2. The meeting

Chapter two

Carters POV

I can't believe I just let Abby walk out the door like that.  I should have called her back in and told her the truth, that being, I need her to help me.  If anyone would understand me and what I am going through right now, it would be her.  On the other side, I don't want to burden her with my issues.  It looks like she's really happy with that Seth guy; she deserves that; I wouldn't want to pull her away from what makes her happy.  

These past couple weeks have been a total blur for me.  I can't even remember the last time I slept straight through one night.  Every time I go to sleep, it's the same thing, waking up at the same time, 3:22 am exactly, every night, without fail.  It seems that all I can do to get back to sleep is have a drink.

I never thought I would be here.  I thought that my days of bachelorhood were completely over.  Coming home from work every day to a beautiful wife and child is what I thought my life would be all about, everything for my family.  Now that dream is nothing but a memory for me.  Its not even a memory because I never even had it, it's a memory of a dream.  I thought that I had a real future with Kem, a future that wasn't based only on the fact that we were having a baby, but I guess I was wrong.  I can't help but wonder if she ever loved me or if she was just staying here in Chicago with me because that was the best for our child.  These questions plague me every minute of the day.  I can't concentrate on anything anymore, my work, my friends, my responsibilities; this is eating me whole.  

I've acted like such a jerk lately with all my coworkers.  I've been stubborn and confrontational, this is not me.  I can't believe the way I just tried to grill Abby about her new boyfriend.  I really do want her to be happy, I just don't understand why seeing her with someone else made me jealous.  I'm sitting here, pining away for Kem, not Abby, so why do I care so much about who she dates.  Maybe it's because I feel that I need her friendship right now and somehow I think that if she's dating someone, I won't get the attention that I want from her.  I don't even know how to ask for it.

Maybe I will go to a meeting tonight, if only I can muster up the will power to go.  Knowing that Abby will be there is a big comfort, maybe she'll let me buy her a cup of coffee after so I can apologize for being such an ass.  

It's the end of my shift and I haven't seen Abby since she left to go to lunch with her boyfriend.  I guess I'm going to go to the meeting; I'll just take my chances and see if I can find her once I get there.  I walk into the church turned meeting and scout out the place to find Abby.  I don't see her anywhere so I just go sit in the corner off to the side.  It's been a while since I've been here. All these thought are coming back to me, being here is reminding me that I don't want to be here again, that I don't want to have to come to meetings because I'm using.  I don't want this to be my life.  

I listen to the speaker for a while and then resort to looking around the room one last time to see if Abby has shown up.  I pier a few rows ahead of me and I think that I might see the back of her head.  I tilt my head a little bit to see if I can make out her profile, it's her.  I let my eyes trail down her arms and then I notice something that I didn't even think about.  Her hand is clasped with the man sitting next to her, and guess what, its Seths.  I feel like such an idiot.  She invited me to come meet her at a meeting that she goes to with her boyfriend, I guess her sober boyfriend.  I can't say that I'm not proud of her, this really is her life now, I guess she won't even date a man that drinks; good for her.  

The meeting is over and I want to get out of here before Abby sees me here.  I rush to get out of my seat, but its too late, I think she has spotted me, but I turn my back and keep walking away, hoping that she'll lose me in the crowd.

"Carter, Carter!"

I hear her calling my name behind me and I know I have to stop now.

"Oh, Abby hi"  I pretend like I didn't hear her the first time.

"You came!"  She gives me a big smile and I can tell that she's genuinely happy that I'm here.  I nod my head at her and notice out of the corner of my eye that Seth is on his way over to us; this is exactly what I was trying to avoid.  

"John, nice to see you."  He shoves his hand between Abby and me for me to shake it.  I'm surprised that he remembers my name.

"Likewise Seth"  

"Would you like to join us for a cup of coffee?"  Ya, that's what I want to do, go out with Abby and her boyfriend.  I'll make an excuse.

"I actually need to get back to the hospital, thanks anyway. . . Have a good night guys."  

I start to walk down the street to my car and I can hear Abby behind me asking Seth to give her a minute.  Damn, I thought I had gotten away!

"Carter"  She's calling for me again, what could she possibly want with me?  I stop to turn around and I notice the concern on her face.

"You don't have a shift right now, I worked all day with you, remember?"  

I give her a stupid grin, raising my hands up in defeat, she caught me lying, but she looks at me like she understands why.  I don't have to explain to her, she gets it.  I guess I've made it obvious to her that I wouldn't want to hang out with her and Seth.  

"Well, maybe we could have coffee tomorrow."  She motions over at Seth.  "Um, just the two of us?""

"Ya, that sounds good.  Good night Abby."  

I get in my car and drive home to what will be another lonely and sleepless night.  I'm so pathetic.  I never should have gone to Africa; I should have stayed in Chicago and tried to work on my relationship with Abby, instead of running away.  I don't know how I feel now, all of the sudden I'm jealous.  I spent so many years trying to encourage Abby to get her life together, I guess it doesn't feel so good that she's finally got her shit together, but I'm no longer a part of her life.  I don't get to reap the benefits of a healthy Abby.  I'm jealous that another man gets her, right as she changes into the woman that I always wanted her to be.  I will always love her, but I just don't know what way I will love her.  Maybe I don't really even want to be with her.  Maybe I just feel this way because Kem is gone and it would be so easy to go back to Abby so I wouldn't have to be alone.  I guess I will have to feel this out.  I don't want to want Abby.  It would be easier for me if I could let her go.  It would be easiest for me if I could let both woman go, they obviously don't want me.


	3. Coffee talk

Chapter Three

It will be carby, I promise, just give it a couple more chapters.

Abbys POV

The car ride with Seth back to my apartment is quiet, I'm quiet.  I can't stop thinking about seeing Carter at the meeting tonight.  I'm really glad that he came, but I feel bad that I couldn't engage with him more.  I invited him to the meeting and I honestly thought that he wouldn't come.  He was acting so stubborn today, I was quite surprised.  He shouldn't have to deal with me and Seth the first time he comes back to AA.  It was insensitive on my part, but I really didn't think he'd show up.  Although I didn't mean to hurt him, I still have to keep reminding myself that I shouldn't feel guilty for being happy with my life.  

I walk back into my apartment and throw my jacket over a kitchen chair, Seth does the same thing.  I start to walk into the bedroom but I feel him tug on my arm bringing me back to him, kissing me and moving his hands to unbutton my shirt.  I don't want to shoot him down, but I'm really not in the mood.  I pull away from him and tell him that Ill be right back.  He watches me walk into the bathroom and I close the door behind me so I can have some privacy.  I sit on the edge of the tub with my head in my hands.  Why is this so hard?  Why does Carter have this effect on me? 

"Babe?"

I guess that's what he calls me now.  I think I like it actually, but I just don't like it tonight.  I wait to answer him, thinking that if I don't say anything, he'll forget that I'm in here.

"Babe"  Okay, so it didn't work.  I come out of the bathroom with a look of defeat on my face.  I didn't want to show him that I was in a shitty mood, but I think its time I open up.  I also think tonight's going to be the first night we don't have sex.  I hope he's okay with that.  

He meets me at the bathroom door with a concerned look on his face.

"What's wrong sweetie?"  Sweetie?  There's a new one, I'm not used to this.  

"Nothing, I'm just in a bad mood."  He's going to have to drag it out of me.  I don't want to be this closed off but I can't help it.  He grabs my waist gently pulling me towards him into a hug.   

"Its okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."  He whispers in my ear and strokes the back of my head.  Well this is different.  No one has ever given me the space I need to work through my own issues.  It's funny how when you don't have someone breathing down your back to share your feelings, you all of the sudden want to.  

I hug him tighter, I think I could fall in love with this man, he's absolutely perfect.

I crawl into bed and he pulls me over to him, kissing my temple.  I pull back from him and for a moment I want to turn my back, but I'm going to resist.  I let out a sigh; I think I'm ready to share with him.

"Carter . . . Um John, is my ex-boyfriend"  I feel a pit at the bottom of my stomach.  "And he's using again . . . and I'm worried about him."

 I think I might cry, but I am going to do everything I can not to.   I didn't realize how emotional this conversation was going to be.  I guess I didn't really believe it until I just said it.

"Oh"  He doesn't say much else about this.  I guess he's not going to get mad that I haven't told him about my past relationship.  He stokes my arm lightly and I don't pull away.  I want to be close to him now; I want him to make me forget about carter.  I let him hold me and comfort me before I move to pull his shirt off and then pull mine off as well.  My prediction of no sex tonight was wrong because I definitely need him to take my mind off of other things.

I walk into work the next morning in a much better mood.  I think I'm really falling for Seth now.  It seems that he's everything that I want.  He's intelligent, successful, responsible, gentle, trustworthy and sober; oh ya, and gorgeous!  I walk up to the front desk and I feel eyes on me coming from every direction.  I lift my head and look around.

"What?"  I say this loudly into the air, directing it to everyone that's looking at me.

"Girlfriend who was that handsome man you were making out with yesterday at admit?"  Everyone chimes in, moving closer to get the details from me.

"Oh, that's what this is about . . . and I was not making out with him!"   I laugh at all of them, I'm not quite sure that I want to share yet.  I turn my back to walk into the lounge; they are just going to have to wait until I'm ready to talk.  

I push the door open to the lounge, a smile still on my face, and I run straight into Carters chest.  

"Whoa"  

He grabs my arms to steady me as I bounce off of him.  He definitely looks better today.

"Hey, Sorry"  I still have that giddy look on my face from the attention I was getting about Seth.

"What are you so happy about?"  He looks at me like he has missed something, but I brush it off.

"Nothing, I was just laughing with Lydia"  That's an excuse; I don't want to show too much that I'm happy.  I don't want to have to feel guilty about it, so I won't share with him.

"You want to get that coffee on your break"  He reaches out to touch my upper arm.

"Um ya, come find me at two?"  

Its hours later and I'm sitting on the bench outside slowly sipping a double shot latte next to Carter.  He's been pretty quiet most of the time we've been out here.  Maybe he just wanted my company, someone to sit with.  I debate whether or not I should start the conversation that I thought we were going to have, but I think that he should be the one to initiate this, especially because he shot me down yesterday when I tried to help him out.  We both stare off into space for a while but then I turn my body so I'm facing him, letting him know that I'm ready to discuss his problem when ever he is.  He turns his head toward me and gives me a half smile.  He moves his lips to talk but nothing comes out.  

"You don't have to say anything."  I don't want to pressure him and I want him to know that he can take his time.  I want him to be able to ask me for help, but only when the time is right for him.

"Well, I just don't know where to start."  Okay, so maybe he has so much to say that he just needs to take some time to get it out.  I'd rather him say a lot than say nothing at all.  I don't say anything to encourage him; I'll let him do this on his own.

"I think I want to start by apologizing to you."

"To me?"  Maybe for snapping at me yesterday in the lounge.

"Ya . . . Um . . I'm really sorry about the way I left last year, and I'm sorry about leaving again, and I'm sorry about the letter."

"Carter, this isn't about me."

"I know . . . but I just have to say this.  Because if I'm going to confide in you as a friend, I need to get this off my chest." 

"Okay"  It barely comes out of my mouth.

"I'm also sorry about bringing Kem here and not telling you first about the baby before showing up.  It was really insensitive of me."  

I nod my head to let him know that I'm hearing what he's saying but I want to let him continue to talk.  Even though I'll play this cool, I want to hear this apology, I want to hear his reasoning.  

"You never once said anything to me about what a jerk I was.  I came back here after being such an ass and you completely accepted me back as your friend.  I don't think I deserved that."

I've got to think about how I'm going to respond to this.  Part of me wants to scream at him and say, damn right! You didn't deserve that!  But taking the high road seemed to work for me before, and I guess that's what I should do now.

"You know Carter I changed a lot when you were gone.  I discovered myself in ways that I thought I never would, and if you had come back to me after you found Luka, I don't know if I would be the person that I am today. . . And I like that person now."   I pause for a while, wanting to choose my words carefully.

"I'm not saying that you weren't an ass, cause you were, but there was no point in getting angry with you.  It wouldn't have changed anything or made the situation easier for any of us."

He nods his head as he listens to me, taking a sip of his coffee.  I'm not sure that he is going to continue.  Maybe that was enough sharing for today.  My break is almost over and I move to get up.  I know that there is more to talk about.  I know that he's got more that he has to say, but I think its going to take him a while till he asks for my help.

"I got to get back"  I get up and toss my empty cup into the trash and head back into the hospital.

"Wait! Abby"  I turn around and walk back to him with a questioning look on my face.  

"I started drinking a couple of weeks ago to help me sleep at night. . . Tequila, . . . it always does the trick."  

I let out a deep breath and sit down next to him again.

"Tequila, ha?  Great minds crave a like."  

We both smile at my comment.

"It hasn't turned into anything serious, but I know it could, so . . ."  He pauses for while, like he isn't going to finish.  I guess I have to pull it out of him, gently.

"So?"  I tilt my head so I can look into his eyes.

"So maybe I should join you a couple nights a week at the church meeting."  I nod my head and smile at him, letting him know that I'm proud of his first step.

"I would really like that Carter."  

I get up to walk away and I feel carter grab my hand.

"Abby . . . does Seth go to every meeting with you?"  He looks completely vulnerable. 

"He doesn't have to."

I blush a little as I walk back into the hospital; what am I doing blushing?  I'm only helping Carter; we're not going to go to meetings as dates!  I hope he knows that, not that I think he wants to date me, but maybe I should make myself clearer.  I do understand why he wouldn't want to go to meetings with me and Seth.  Just because he's going to open up to me, doesn't mean he has to open up to the man that I'm sleeping with.  And I'm really not sure that I would want Seth to be around when I'm spending time with carter anyway.  


	4. New hope

Chapter four

I told Abby yesterday about my potential drinking problem.  Though it was hard for me to get it out, I feel much better now that I have shared it with someone.  There is hope now.    
I'm not going to depend on anyone to fix my problem for me, but I know that Abby won't let me fall through the cracks.  I think I really need somebody like that in my life right now.  

I can't believe I am back here.  I'm back where I was four years ago.  Single and alone and fighting an addiction.  Even my relationship with Abby has come full circle.  Four years ago she was my sponsor, and so much has happened with us between then and now.  I have so much to thank her for.  I still can't believe what a trooper she was through the sixth months that I was too openly involved with the woman that replaced her. I felt horrible when she told me yesterday that I was a total ass but not only because I am ashamed of myself.  I felt horrible because I hurt her.  I didn't really know that she was hurt; I guess she was just playing it cool.  Since kem left I have had a chance to think about what I did.  I can't say that I completely regret it, or maybe I do.  I'm not quiet sure anymore.

Its six o'clock in the morning and I'm only half awake as I trudge through the snow into the ER.  I'm exhausted today.  I woke up at 3:22 this morning exactly, and once again, I could not get back to sleep.  I would have normally gotten up and fixed myself a drink, but I resisted.  I fought myself for an hour.  It was a hard decision that took a lot of restraint, but I did it, and I fell back asleep, and I lived through it.  So I'm exhausted now, but it was worth it, Abby will be proud.  

Its hours later and the lack of sleep is really catching up with me now.  I feel like I might fall over on the first empty bed I find.  I spot Abby walking my way and I immediately perk up.  I want to tell her about last night.  I know it sounds lame, but that is the best thing that has happened since Kem left.  I feel like I have real hope.

"Hey"  I must look like an idiot, my smile is so big.

"Hi"  She turns as she hears me.

"I can join you at the meeting tonight, I'm off early."    
"Great!"  She shoots me a big smile; I can tell that she's happy that I'm coming.  This is what I need.

I walk into the meeting and spot Abby sitting at the end of the back row.  Her hair is let down, she looks refreshed and happy and alive.  She spots me and waves her hand over, motioning to the empty seat next to her that she saved for me.  I don't see Seth anywhere.  I'm not jealous or anything, but I don't know the guy, and even though Abby and I were over a long time ago, I still don't want to picture her with other men.  I don't think I ever will be able to.  

I sit down next to her and she squeezes my leg lightly twice, making a friendly gesture without disrupting the speaker.  She turns to me and smiles sweetly and I am all of the sudden hit with a flood of emotions.  How did I ever let her go?  Why couldn't I give her the time she needed to become the amazing person that she is now?  Why did I ever go off to the Congo?  Did I ever really love Kem, or did I just love the idea of a family?

I loosen the tie around my neck, I feel like I can't breath; I'm drowning in the bad decisions that I have made.  I cover my eyes with my hands, trying to shake myself out of my reverie and then I hear Abby's voice and that does the trick.

"Carter"  She whispers, looking at me with wide eyes like I'm crazy.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine."  I'm trying to convince myself too.

She looks at me again, she doesn't believe me.  I straighten up and stretch my back out resuming to a semi normal state.  I don't know what's happening, it's like I can't control my feelings.  Abby seems like she's got it all together.  She's a rock, a beautiful rock.  This is so attractive to me.  

I try to relax and listen to the speaker to get my mind off of all of this.  I don't need to be obsessing over my ex-girlfriend right now, who happens to have a boyfriend, who happens to be here!  Oh, damn, he's here, three rows ahead of us.  I wonder if Abby knows.  I wonder if she was holding his hand and kissing him just right before I showed up.  

"Hey, is that your boyfriend"  I whisper to her and point in his direction.   
"Ah, ya, I didn't think he was coming tonight . . . and he's not my boyfriend, were just dating."

Why she had to clarify that for me, I don't know.  Maybe that's a good sign; she doesn't want me to think she has a boyfriend.  Maybe there is hope for me.

The meeting is over and I walk over to grab us some coffee.  On my way back I spot Seth and Abby in the corner talking.  I approach slowly, neither one of them seeing me, and I can tell that they are fighting.  I can hear Seth's voice blurred a little.  I'm pretty sure he's yelling.  I'm not sure what this is about, but somehow it isn't ending well because Seth has just walked away, leaving Abby with her head in her hands.  I walk up to her slowly and rest my hand on the small of her back.  She lifts her head up at me and I can see that she's upset. I play dumb.

"What's wrong?"  I ask her gently.  
"Nothing . . . I just . . . nothing"  She nods her head, trying to convince me that she's okay.

"Abby"  I give her a look just like one that she gave me yesterday.  The look that says "spill it"

"He's just being an asshole"  She brushes me off.

"I hope that wasn't because you were with me."  She looks up at me, silently communicating that that was his problem.  She rolls her eyes and takes her coffee from my hand.   
"Don't worry about it Carter"  She speaks quietly, her eyes now focused on the floor.

"Abby, you should go after him.  He looked pissed."

"I don't want to."  She says it so plainly, shaking her head and giving me a half smile, like he doesn't matter.  I think she's hurt buy him and the one thing Abby doesn't chase after is confrontation.  That part of her, I guess she hasn't changed.

I walk with her down the street to our cars, she's quiet since her argument with Seth and I'm feeling like I need to start a conversation, something to take her mind off of him.  

"I never officially congratulated you on your residency.  I'm really proud of you."  
"Thank you."  She pauses for a long while.  "Really, you actually aided in the journey a lot more than you think."

"What do you mean?"    
"Well, I don't really know if I would have gone back to medical school if you hadn't stayed in the Congo . . . not that I'm glad you did or anything, but"  
She laughs a little, she's probably unsure about the way that I am going to take her confession.  "I don't know how to explain."  She's blushing a little; it's time to jump in and save her.

"Well, I think I understand."  I smile to reassure her.  

"And I still have to get on the carter family payment plan to reimburse you back for that last semester of med school."

"Abby, you know I'm not going to let you pay me back"  I would never want her too, I don't even know where she would get the money.

"Carter I don't think I feel comfortable with that . . . I just . . ."  She's got no argument; I'm going to win this one.

"Look, I'll tell you what, you continue going to meetings with me a couple times a week, and you let me buy you a coffee at least once a week afterward, and that can be your form of payment."  

She laughs at me and shakes her head.  She can't say no to me, I've got her.  We walk up to her car; I wish that it was further away so I could spend more time with her.  

"Thank you for coming with me"  I say it a little bashfully.    
"Carter, I would have gone anyway"  She gives me a look that tells me there is no need for thank yous.  

"Okay, what I really meant to say was thanks for ditching your non- boyfriend for me"  She laughs at my comment.

"Any time"  

She gets in her car and I watch her drive away.  It's funny how an evening with Abby can make me forget all about Kem.


	5. Dark chocolate kiss

Chapter Five

I creep into the darkness of my lonely apartment, pulling my feet into my bedroom and over to the lamp where I switch it on.  I sit down on my bed and take a deep breath and think about today's events.  I was really happy that Carter showed up at the meeting tonight, I can see that he's really trying hard to sober up.  I can also see that he's trying hard to be a good friend to me.  I like that, its like were back to where we started, and that was probably the healthiest time in our relationship.  As for Seth, I just don't know how to deal with him.  Tonight was the first time he got mad at me and the first time he lost his cool.  I didn't want to tell carter, because it just would have made him feel bad, but our fight was really about him.  He told me that he didn't want me to hang out with my ex-boyfriend.  It didn't seem like it bothered him a couple nights ago when I told him that I was worried about carter, but I guess now his true feeling are coming out and I don't think I like this jealous side of him.  I also will be friends with whom ever I want, and if that includes helping out an ex-boyfriend, who still means a lot to me, then so be it.  I didn't even really care when Seth stormed out of the meeting.  I had a cup of coffee and a good conversation with Carter.  Somehow that seemed more fulfilling than going home with Seth just to fuck.  

I trudge into my bathroom and start to clean, I want to busy myself, and I don't want to think about my argument with Seth.  I'm starting to feel like I need another change.  I'm not looking for a drastic change; I just need to do something to make me feel better.  I move in front of the mirror and catch a glimpse of myself.  I look tired and awful, and my hair is ratty and knotted.  That's it!  I'll dye my hair tonight.  I've been feeling like I need a change, and instead of changing a career, I'll change my hair color back to dark brown.  

I reach under my sink and rummage through all my hair products.  I pull out a bottle that I bought months ago and never used, "Dark Chocolate Kiss".

I walk back into the ER for my morning shift and I have to say that I feel refreshed and alive again.  I look different and feel different and I am ready for a new day.  My hair is now a soft dark brown.  It's healthier, vibrant and shinny and it brings out the green in my eyes in a way that the blond never did.  I like my new look; I feel confident and young again.  I walk up to the board and grab a couple charts to work up some new patients and I all of the sudden drop them on the floor, all the papers scattering everywhere.  Good job Abby!  I bend down to pick them up, kneeling so I could gather all of them together.  I hear a voice above me.

"Jerry, have you seen Abby"

Its Carters voice.  I think he's looking down at me in front of him, but he can't tell its me because he can't see my face and the back of my head is a different color.

"Ah, no, I don't think she's in yet."

I laugh at this quietly; I'll let him know I'm here when I finish picking up all these papers.  Or maybe not.  He bends down to help me, not even looking at my face before he starts to grab some papers off the floor.  He finally looks my way.

"Abby!"

He falls backward on his ass as he stares at me with his jaw on the floor.  He doesn't say anything else, he's speechless.  Maybe he likes my hair just as much as I do.  I stand over him with my hands on my waist.

"I . . . I didn't know that was you"

I laugh at him and extend my hand to help him up.

"You look. . . hot!  I mean . .  . I mean your hair looks really good."

He's totally embarrassed and I think shocked that he just blurted out that I look hot.  He grabs my hand and I help him get up.

"Sorry"  His face is red from blushing.

"Don't apologize, I'll take that compliment."  Okay, now I think I'm blushing, and flirting, what's with me?  Maybe it's the hair.  I bend down to grab the rest of my charts only to get up and notice Carter staring at me.  I look away instantly; I don't want him to know that I caught him.  He already is embarrassed enough for one day.  

I know he thinks that I look good, and a change can always be sexy, but I can't help but think that carter is starting to have romantic feeling for me again.  It's been evident over the last couple of days and I'm quite confused about it.  I don't know if I should talk to him about this or if I should let him come to me on his own.  I stand at the desk pondering my situation when all of the sudden I see Seth walking in the front doors of the ER.  I look down at my charts and then look up at him to meet his eyes.

"Can I talk to you?"  I start to walk away and I feel him at my heels.  

"I'm working Seth, I can't talk now"

"What'd you do to your hair, I like it better blond"  I look at him appalled.  Even if he didn't like my hair, he shouldn't tell me that.

"Don't change the subject, and thanks a lot!"

"Abby please, just give me five minutes"

"You don't deserve five minutes"  I start to write out a chart, hoping that he'll give up.

"Fine, bye then"

I keep my head down and then look up at him as he walks away.  I can't believe he came to my work after he was such a jerk at the meeting.  He showed me a side of him that I hated, a side of him that was aggressive and angry and irrational.  I'm really not sure how we can work this situation out.  He wants me not to be friends with Carter anymore, and that is just not something I'm willing to give up, especially at a time when he needs me the most.  I see Carter walking up to me with a questioning look on his face.

"What was all that about?"  He's interested in my relationship issues.  I hope were not getting into that same type of relationship we had when I was dating Luka.  Or maybe I do, I enjoyed that relationship, I like having him as a friend.

"Uh . . . meet me for coffee in an hour?"

"Sure."

"He came here to talk to me, either he was going to apologize or he was going to yell at me some more."

"He's mad that you were with me at the meeting, right?"  

I guess I have to tell him, he's not dumb, he already knows anyway.  I don't even have to answer him.  

"Well does he know that were just good friends?"  That sounds like what I told him to tell Rena a couple years back when she was feeling threatened over our relationship.

"He doesn't look at it that way; he looks at you as an ex-boyfriend, which is an automatic "no" in his book"

"I guess I could go to other meetings by myself"  He suggests this with a sad look on his face.

"No, Carter, I don't want to do that"  I'm no going to give into Seth that easily, besides I want to be a part of carters life again, I want to be his close friend, and I know that I cant date anyone that has a problem with that.

"I was hoping you'd say that, cuz I probably wouldn't end up going if I had to go alone."  

I smile at him laughing a little at his candidness.  

"But Abby, just let me know when you want me to step back and I will, because I really want you to be happy, and if you have to stop spending time with me to work it out with him, if you want to be with him, maybe that's what you should do.  I don't want you to resent me later, if your relationship with Seth doesn't work out"

Through all the crap I have been through with this man, he continues to surprise me.  He can be the sweetest person in the world at times.  

"That's really sweet of you carter.  Right now I don't even want to think about this whole situation.  I want to focus more on this"  I motion with my hand from him to me. "You know staying sober and getting sober"  I motion to him "and working and being a good person and fitting into this world the way I'm meant to, ya know?" I stop and think for a second, I'm not really sure what I think about this whole thing.  "Maybe I just need a break from him; I've spent way too much time with him since we met.  I don't know, I think I need to step back and give it a chance to cool down."

"Do you have feelings for him?"  He looks at me like he's hoping that ill say no, but I am just going to be honest.  
"I thought I did . . . but yesterday he showed me this side of him that I just can't tolerate well."

"You'll figure it Abby, just give yourself some time, be strong and follow your heart"


	6. Slipping away

I walk back into county and see a couple making out on the bench in the ambulance bay.  How obnoxious, get a room.  Okay, I'm bitter that I have no one to make out with.  I'm almost through the door when I take a double take at the couple.  Its Abby and Seth, I didn't recognize her because I had forgotten that she changed her hair color.  I'm frozen in my spot for a second and I can't stop staring, it's like watching a bad accident or something, you can't help but look.  I though she was fighting with him, I thought she was going to dump him.  I wonder what happened between yesterday and now.  They have obviously made up; she obviously let him off the hook.  I can't help but feel a pang of jealously, she shouldn't be with him, he's not right for her.  He's not willing to treat her like the princess that she is.  I'm not sure yet if I want to be that person. But if it's not going to be me, it better be somebody good enough for her.  He's not good enough for her.  As I stand here watching, unable to take my eyes off of her, I can't help but think that she gave into him; did she tell him that she wouldn't be friends with me?  Am I not Abbys friend anymore?  Suddenly I'm angry, I'm upset with Abby and furious with the man that is taking her away from me.  I want to punch him to the ground and tell him that he's ruining everything for us.  And then it hits me- why all of the sudden is there an us?  How did this become about me being jealous?  How did this become about me really being the one that wants to sit on the bench outside of the hospital and make out with Abby? 

I have to admit, the second I saw her yesterday I flipped out over her new look.  I can't believe how beautiful she looked, her chocolate brown hair cascading over her shoulders and more than half way down her back was the sexiest I have ever seen her look in my five years of knowing her.  I couldn't stop staring at her yesterday; I have never been more attracted to her before.  I'm still staring right now, although I think she has just caught me looking at her and Seth as she opened her eyes for a second.  I quickly walk into the ER, not wanting her to notice me, but almost relieved that she did.  Now she knows that she's going to have to explain her situation, I don't have to confront her and ask.  

Its five hours later and I haven't seen Abby since she was on the bench outside, which probably means that she is avoiding me.  I double check her schedule just to make sure that she's still here, the schedule confirms that she is.  It's slow right now and since I am going to be on for another 22 hours, I figure I should take a rest in the on call room while I can.  I walk into the dark room and sit on the edge of the bed, taking off my lab coat and throwing it aside.  I move to lie on the bed and feel somebody already there.  

"Ahh . . who's that?"  That's Abbys grumpy voice, I guess she's been in here the whole time I thought she was avoiding me.

"Its me"  I whisper to her in the dark.

"Oh"

"I haven't seen you all night; I thought you were avoiding me."

"I was sleeping Carter, but no thanks to you, I'm not anymore"  

"Sorry, move over"  I push her a little to the side.

"I made up with Seth"  She offers this info like I didn't see her making out with him in the ambulance bay earlier.  

"Ya, I saw that"

"I know, I'm sorry"  She admits it.

"Don't apologize; I just hope that I wasn't sacrificed for the sake of the relationship"

"You weren't sacrificed, although, I don't think I can go with you to meetings much"

"What?"  I am totally confused.  She said yesterday that she wasn't going to let him tell her that she can't go to meetings with me.  
"I really want to be your friend Carter and I will always be here for you if you need me, but I can't go with you to meetings anymore, that's something I do with Seth, and I think it sends him the wrong message when I tell him that I'm going too go with you instead of him"

"Got ya"  I get up off the bed, put my lab coat back on and walk toward the door that I just entered.  

"Carter, wait, don't go"  The door slams and cuts her off.  I run out the double doors into the fresh air of the ambulance bay and start toward the bench by the river.  I feel like I can't breath, I'm loosing Abby, I feel her slipping away by the second.  I can't believe she gave into him after she told me yesterday that she wasn't going to.  What could have happened?  Is she scared of him?  Is she scared to tell him that she is going to be my friend no matter what?  What could he have done to change her mind?  She was so sure of herself yesterday.  

I let the wind fall in my face and take a seat on the bench in defeat. I lift my head up towards the sky and bask in the sun light.  That's it, I surrender.  I just don't know what to do anymore. 

"Will you just let me explain?"  Its Abby, I guess she followed me out here.  I look at her hard and then lift my head back to the sky closing my eyes.

"Look, I told you to save the relationship and you did.  I'm not mad at you . . . I'm just angry at myself."

She moves to the bench and sits down on the other side of it.

"I want to tell you why I did it."  I have no idea what she's about to say and I really want to know why, so I just look at her and wait for her to explain.  She looks at me and takes a deep breath I think she is about to pour her heart out.

"I was thinking last night about the way that you left last year and I was also thinking about the way that I dealt with it.  I know that you were really proud of the way that I handled everything, the letter, Kem, the baby."  She looks straight ahead, it's like she's in a trance.  She is talking slowly and gently, I know she doesn't want to hurt me, but I can already tell that she is probably going to.  Its okay, I think that I deserve it from her.  She pauses before she goes on.  

"But, I didn't show you the part of me that was angry at you, and hurt, and humiliated.  I don't even know if you ever knew how much you hurt me.  In time I got over that John, and I never got mad and I never yelled and I never even told you how I felt.  After some time went by I just didn't think it mattered anymore."   She grabs my hand and I brace myself, this is the part where she's going to rip my heart out and stomp all over it.  "I really care about you, and I am so happy that we were able to find this connection again, and be there for each other when we need someone, because there was a time when I thought we could never have a friendship again, but last night when I was fighting with Seth, this bulb went off in my head that made everything so clear"  This is it, here it comes.   "It took you very little time to find somebody else and fall in love, and now I want to do that.  I want to fall in love; I want to have somebody in my life."  She gives me a half smile. "I can't pick you over somebody that has that potential. I . . . I don't want to sacrifice that.  I can't pick you over someone that I might marry and have children with.  I want to move on and be happy.  If that means that I can't be your best friend, then were going to have to deal with that."  She finally looks at me and she has tears in her eyes.  She's breaking my heart, but I can tell that her heart is breaking as well.  "You picked someone else John, and now I have to do that also."  I let her hand go, releasing her physically and figuratively as well.  She reaches out for my face and gently grabs it in her hands.  "I'm really sorry that Kem left you, and I am even more sorry for the loss of your child, but I think you need to grieve with out me for a while."  She brings my head down gently and kisses my cheek as I feel one of her tears slide down my own face.  She lets me go and stands up to walk away.  My heart is racing; I have to do something to make her change her mind, to get her to stay here so I can persuade her not to drop me.  I watch as her long brown hair blows in the wind as her body becomes smaller and smaller in the distance that she has created.

"Abby!"  I call out to her, not knowing what I'm going to say.  She turns around and stares at me, her eyes red and swollen.

"I'm in love with you!"  I cant believe I just yelled it out.  I love her, I really do.  She starts to walk back to me, I cant read the expression on her face at all.  As she gets closer I can see that her expression isn't what I was hoping, I think she's angry.  

"You cant say that now!"  She's yelling, loud.  "You have no right to tell me that!  You don't even mean it. You don't love me john, you just don't want anyone else to have me!"

I should of seen this coming, the breakdown, the one she should have had a long time ago, the one that I expected when I came back to Chicago with Kem.  She hid her feelings for so long, she even admit that to me, and now they are all going to come out.  Its her turn to get mad and my turn to take a beating.  I stand here with nothing to say.  I don't know what to say. She starts to walk away and I grab her.

"Don't tell me that you haven't been feeling anything, don't tell me that I don't mean anything to you."  I cant help but yell too, I'm so frustrated.

"You meant something to me before you went off to the Congo and came back with a new fucking life!"  She has silenced me.  "I cant believe what you did, I cant believe that for seven months I had to work with you everyday with the humiliation of being dumped in a god damn letter!  Do you know how it felt to get that letter from you?  Do you know how it felt for everyone in the whole fucking hospital to be reading it behind your back?!!"  She has lost it, I've never seen Abby so angry, and I've never heard her voice this loud.  

I chime in hoping to calm her down.

"I don't know what I was thinking and I regret it so so much"  I cant yell at her because I know she's right.  I lower the tone of my voice hoping that she'll follow because we are causing a huge scene here.

"You don't really regret it carter!"  She walks up to me closely like she is about to swallow me whole.  She lowers her voice so the rest of the world cant hear her anymore. She's got tears streaming down her face. "The only reason you regret it is because she dumped you and now you're alone, and the only reason you want me now is because you can't have her.  Well I'm sorry carter, but life doesn't work that way."

She quickly turns around and walks away from me.  My first inclination is to follow her and explain, to tell her she's wrong, but I think that I have to give her some time to calm down.  I sit back on the bench and think about what she said.  I cant believe the emotion and the furry that just came out of Abbys tiny little body. My mind is blank, I simply don't have a clue how I could explain to her what I'm feeling.  I cant even explain it to myself, but she probably wouldn't even let me talk to her if I could.  All I know is that I want to be with her.  I just don't know how to prove it to her.


	7. The meeting part 2

Chapter Seven

I turn my back and run away from carter, I want to get as far away from him as I can. I can't believe what he just said to me and I can't believe how loud I just yelled at him. I am so confused right now, I don't know what to think or feel. I just know that I'm angry and hurt and upset that it took carter so long to realize that he wants to be with me. And I don't even think he knows what he wants. I don't even think that he really wants me. He wants the idea of me, someone that has their life together, someone that's sober and supportive, and someone that isn't going to leave him and go back half way across the world. I know he's lonely but that doesn't give him the right to use me. I am the only person that he can depend on, of course he wants to be with me, I'm the other option, the option that's safe and available, and I don't want him to be with me for just those reasons. That's not fair to me or to him either.

I turn the corner, my eyes still wet from crying, and run directly into Seth.

"Hey I was looking for you" He looks closer and notices that I've been crying "What's wrong babe?"

"What are you doing here?" I try to distract him.

"I came to pick you up, isn't your shift over?"

"Um, ya, lets go" I hurry him along, I don't want him to see carter, incase he followed me.

"Abby, what's wrong?" He grabs my arm harshly to stop me from walking ahead of him.

"Nothing, I was just fighting with John" He looks at me almost like he's angry. He shouldn't mind that we were fighting, if anything he should be happy.

"I didn't know that you too were close enough to be having a fight" he has a skeptical look on his face like I have just cheated on him or something, but I can look at this objectively and see it his way but I'm in no mood to discuss this, and actually this whole fight has just made me angry with Seth also, for forcing me to make a choice. I'm confused, and I need some time away from both of them to figure out what I want.

"Seth, its complicated, and I have to go back to work actually, I'm covering for Chuny tonight." I lie about covering but I don't want to go home with him right now. I need to be by myself tonight and I need to get away from him before he really sees how upset I am.

"You just said that you were ready to go." Now he's mad at me, that's just what I need.

"Well, I forgot that I had to stay" I'm short with him, I just want him to leave.

"Whatever Abby"

He walks away angry, I think he knows that I'm lying, but by now I just don't care. I'm angry at him and I'm angry at carter and all I know is that the one thing that would make me feel better should not be entering my mind right now. I know what I need to do. I should go to a meeting.

It's about an hour later and I walk into the church and sit in an aisle seat near the door. I'm exhausted and drained and I don't really want to be here, but I have to be disciplined and I need to make the best of this. The meeting is half way over when I get up from my seat to use the bathroom and as I'm walking towards it I spot carter sitting in the aisle seat in the back row. I have to walk down the aisle to get to the restroom so I can't avoid him, at least it's the middle of the meeting and he can't say anything to me unless he is going to disrupt the whole thing. I approach him and notice his eyes on me, he tries to make eye contact but I continue to walk past him without looking directly at him. I should have known he would be here tonight, he is trying to attend meetings on a daily basis and I'm sure that he was also hoping that he would run into me.

I enter the bathroom and splash some water on my face. It's hard to attend a meeting and actually get something out of it, when the reason you want to drink is sitting in the back aisle. I look at myself in the mirror, my eyes still haven't recovered from the cry fest I had this afternoon. I start to walk back to my seat and I am about to pass carter when I feel him grab my hand as I try to move past him. My body jerks lightly, as my legs keep moving and my hand almost stays behind with the person tugging on it. He brings me back to him as I stand over him in the aisle and stare into his eyes to let me go. I don't say anything, I just look into his face and he looks at mine. He's trying to communicate through our eyes. I think my eyes are telling him to fuck off, his eyes are begging me to sit down next to him. I pull a little bit and he lets me go. I can feel his eyes on me, watching as I sit down. How am I going to get out of here tonight without him cornering me and making me listen to his explanation, which I'm just not ready to hear yet. I'm scared to listen to him. I know he'll come to his senses at some point and realize that he's not in love with me. It has just hit me, like a ton of bricks as I sit here in this meeting. Maybe I want him to love me, maybe I'm mad because I don't think it's true, that he is going to inevitably tell me that I was right, that he was just upset and confused because the one that he truly loved has left him. Maybe I'm still in love with him, and that's why it hurts so much.

I change position in my seat, I'm all of the sudden ridiculously uncomfortable. Am I still in love with Carter? I think I might turn my head to look back at him, I just have to see his face and then I will know. I slowly turn my head and our eyes meet, he was already looking my way. I can read so much just by his expression. He feels horrible. I swallow hard and close my eyes as I return to the original position that I was sitting in before. I need to talk to him, I have to let him explain his feelings to me; I need to give him a chance.

The meeting is over and I walk outside, not trying to evade him because I know that he'll catch me anyway, besides I think I now want to hear the explanation. I sit on the bench outside and wait for him to walk out. He spots me and comes to sit next to me, keeping his distance; he probably thinks that I'm going to yell again.

"I don't know what to say" He fidgets with his tie and then loosens it so it falls over his chest.

"I'm sorry that I yelled so much before" I guess I owe him an apology for almost blowing out his ear drum.

"You don't have to apologize Abby, maybe I should have kept my feelings to myself" He looks as if he's got no hope, like he's got no fight left in him. I want to scream at him, Come on Carter, fight for me! I take a deep breath.

"I would have never thought that you would want to be with me again, I guess the idea of it is pretty shocking, and confusing and I just . . . I just don't get it carter. Kem left like six weeks ago, and your alone and your vulnerable and I understand why spending time with me and going to meetings with me could bring up those past feelings but . ."

He cuts me off.

"But what? All I know is that when I'm with you, I don't think about her at all. In fact, I haven't thought about her one time since the first meeting I met you at last week. I think about you, Abby. I think about how beautiful you are and how much you have grown in the past year, how hard you have worked and how disciplined you are about attending meetings and staying sober. You have become the woman that I always knew that was inside of you, this confident and sexy and stunning person that I just can't imagine my life without."

"Carter, stop saying those things." My voice comes out in a raspy whisper, I feel like I am going to cry for the second time today. He has somehow inched a lot closer to me and I can feel his hands on my back rubbing me lightly.

"I don't want to, I want to tell you everything." He slowly reaches his hand out to sweep my bangs away from my face and settles it on my cheek. I don't know why but I lean into him. I close my eyes and let it happen, I am speechless. He pulls my face closer to him and my eyes remain closed, I think he's going to kiss me and I don't even want to look, because I know this is wrong. I feel his breath closer and then his lips are softly upon mine. I don't pull away, although I know that I should. I let him kiss me softly, my upper lip between his two, gently. I pull away slowly and open my eyes and I see someone standing in back of carter, facing me. I take a double glance at the man, its Seth! I look up for the second time and brace myself; this is going to be a big scene. I don't say anything as I look into his eyes; I don't know what to do.

"I should have known you were a slut"

He says it simply, like it was his mistake. I don't reply, I still don't know what to say and I watch him walk away. I sit here silently nodding my head like I knew this was coming. Carter doesn't know what to do either. He moves back over to the other side of the bench and puts his head in his hands. What kind of mess have we gotten ourselves into!? I take a deep breath and get off the bench, walking past carter, I run to catch up with Seth, but he has already taken off. I turn around and see carter still sitting on the bench in the distance. I look at him for a second and I know I can't walk back over to him now. I have to leave him there; I need to take care of myself. I walk down the street and get into my car, tears flowing down my cheeks. I sit here for what feels like hours; I don't know where to go or what to do. I hit the steering wheel hard with my fist and cry loudly. Why did he have to kiss me? I tried so hard not to feel anything but I couldn't help it, I felt everything.


	8. Everything old is new again

Chapter Eight

I walk back into my apartment after sitting on the bench outside of the church for what seemed like an hour. I think I was waiting for Abby to come back, although I knew that she wouldn't. I can't believe that I kissed her, what surprised me even more is that she let me. The minute I touched my lips to hers I felt this rush of electricity between us and I know she felt it too. I wonder what would have happened if Seth had never showed up and ruined our moment. I guess she caught up with him when she ran after him, I wonder if he forgave her. I wonder if she even asked him to.

I sit on the edge of my bed, slip my shoes off and crawl in all on my lonesome. I am pathetic, I should just let her go, I don't deserve to have her anyway. I should just let the whole fantasy of ever having a woman in my life go down the drain. There is nothing left for me to do today, there is nothing left for me to mess up, so I guess I should try to get some rest.

I walk into work this morning having barely slept last night. My mind wouldn't stop running. I kept thinking about Abby and what she said to Seth to make him forgive her. My sadistic mind even wondered if they had makeup sex. I hope not. I can't imagine his hands on her, her kissing him, like she has kissed me before. I was nauseous all evening thinking about them. I bet he took her back, hell I would take her back too. She could do anything to me and I would still want her.

The hospital is busy today and it seems like everyone has got something to do but me. Maybe that's because I haven't picked up a single patient yet, I've been to busy pitying myself. I continue to stand here at the admit desk staring into space, when I all of the sudden I see the object of my affection walking through the hospital in the distance. She is beautiful, a goddess. I can't resist staring at her, it's like I don't even have a choice. She has decided to wear her hair down today, which she never does and the contrast of her chocolate hair on her white lab coat is almost blinding. She is shining, brightly. She is wearing a bit of makeup today, her lips are painted a pale pink and she looks almost happy, but not quite there. It's like the makeup is a mask, she looks beautiful, but it's not her. She is trying to look happy, but I see right through her. She walks by me and gives me a half smile, flipping her hair out of her face and behind her shoulders. I can smell her as she walks by. It's that simple but beautiful Abby smell, the one that she doesn't wear, but embody. Its cinnamon, vanilla, honey, and lavender. She is talking to another doctor; I think I recognize her from cardiology. I'd like to think that she didn't stop to talk to me because she is busy with a consult. Maybe that is the truth.

I see her break away from the doctor and head into the lounge. I debate whether or not I want to follow her; I'm just not sure what to do here. I don't want to pressure her, but I don't know how long I have to wait until I can ask her if she has thought about what she is going to do about out little situation. Maybe I'm being dumb here. Maybe her not saying anything to me means that she isn't going to pick me and she doesn't want to have to tell me, so she's ignoring it. I choose not to follow her into the lounge, if she is going to let me down, I'd rather it be later than sooner. I move away from the spot I have been standing in for way to long and I finally pick up a patient. I drag my feet over to curtain area one and pull back the curtain to reveal a fireman sitting on a gurney with his shirt off, icing his shoulder. Even though I am not gay, I know that this man is good looking. If I had to look like someone else, I would pick this guy.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Carter."

"Josh Holden"

"What seems to be the problem with your shoulder Josh?"

"I fell on it when we were doing a practice drill. I think I pulled it out of the socket or something."

I look over to the gurney next to Josh and see a young little girl weeping softly. She must be only about five years old. I motion to Josh that I will be just a second as I approach the little girl to see if she's okay.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Carter, what's your name?"

"Molly" I reach over to the little girl and rub her back to calm her down.

"Molly, do you remember your doctor's name" I ask her gently.

"Lockhart" It's Abby's voice that answers, she is leaning against the doorframe. She walks into the room and sits on the bed next to us.

"Come here sweetheart, is your tummy hurting again?" She pulls the child into her arms as I move back to attend to my patient. I am totally distracted as I half listen to Josh as he describes his pain to me. I am looking at him, but steeling glances at Abby as she comforts the little girl. I never realized how amazing she is with children. She would be the most wonderful mother. I look back at my patient, even as his lips move, I can tell that he is distracted as well, he's staring at her too. I hope she doesn't notice him; he's way better looking than I am. She rocks the little girl until she falls asleep, and then she places her back into her bed and covers her with a sheet. I watch her as she turns to leave, waiting for her to look my way to make some kind of eye contact with me. She finally looks over here before she leaves the room and I notice my patient smiling at her, as I am also. We must look like a bunch of idiots.

"Damn, every time I come in here I am never lucky enough to get her as my doc, she's bangin'!"

Oh, this guy wants to talk to me about his crush on Abby! How ironic! I think I want to hurt his shoulder even more.

"I think she's got a boyfriend man" I say it bitterly, even though its only half true, I'd say anything to keep this good looking guy away from her.

I walk out of the exam room and she is right outside the door looking at some x-rays on the wall. I hope she didn't just hear my conversation with the fireman, although I didn't say anything wrong.

"Hi" I lean against the wall and slide my feet out so I am standing at her eye level.

"You look tired." She looks my way and then back at her films.

"Right back at ya. . .You were really good with molly, you're going to have to teach me one day how to put kids to sleep like that."

"It's a gift" She smiles slightly at me.

"Do you think you have some time to get some coffee and talk a little later?" I dance around her like she might yell at me to go away any minute.

"I need some more time Carter" She is suddenly very interested in the floor.

I nod my head and squeeze her arm gently, making her lift her head so she is looking at my face, then I move past her and walk away.

I walk around my lonely apartment in the dark and light some candles to illuminate the objects around me. I'm too depressed to turn on the lights. I didn't see Abby again for the rest of my shift. It guess it was better that way, I was able to give my patients the attention they deserve because I wasn't busy gazing at her like a fool. I fall onto the couch, my body aching. Aching from a long day at work and aching because I need to feel her. I want her near me at all times, like a drug, I can't seem to get enough of her. I feel like a lovesick child with a crush on my school teacher. I am a sad little puppy.

How did I get here? I feel like I did four years ago when Abby was with Luka and I was just waiting for them to break up so I could finally get the girl. And I did get her, I finally got her, and then I lost her. Maybe that was my one chance with her; maybe I don't get another one. I guess I'm going to have to accept that. I screwed up the first time, why should she come back to me again?

I slip my shirt off and spread out my body on the couch to relax, I feel like I haven't slept in days and I probably won't be able to sleep much tonight either. I know I won't be able to get my mind off of Abby. I am all of the sudden too exhausted to keep my brain running and I can feel it slowly shutting down, I think I can sleep now, my body cant take it anymore. I feel my self falling deeper and deeper and then I am out.

It must be hours later when I am jolted out of a dead sleep by a harsh knocking at the door. I rub my eyes quickly and get up from the couch, still semi asleep. I catch a glimpse at the clock as I approach the front door, its two thirty in the morning, who could be at my door this late? I open the door and on the other side of it is the person that I was just dreaming of, she is outstanding, beautiful, wearing her flannel pajama pants and slippers, her dark chocolate hair cascading down her back in big waves. She is the cutest person in the world, although right now she looks confused and upset, which sometimes makes her look even cuter.

"I broke up with Seth" She whispers in a monotone voice, not really focusing her eyes on anything in particular. I take a deep breath and lean against the door frame.

"I'm sorry Abby"

"No you're not" She gives me a half smile and moves past me into my apartment. Maybe she isn't as upset as she appears to be.

"Okay, so maybe I'm not." I roll my eyes and follow her closely as she takes a seat on one of my bar stools. "Why did you do it?" I have to ask her, although I would like to think the reason was because she wants to be with me, you never know when it comes to Abby.

"Because I don't think I would have let you kiss me if I didn't want you to." I move closer so my body is in between her legs and I am suddenly aware that I am not wearing a shirt. I run my hands down her arms and I can see goose bumps budding in my wake. I move my hands up to her neck and breathe into her ear.

"Well I want to again" I can feel her shiver underneath me, her hands reaching out to my bare chest.

"Well you better" She gives me the sexiest, most seductive look I have ever seen from her, this is a side of the new Abby that I have never experienced. I bend down and press my lips against hers in a fierce kiss. I have kissed this woman hundreds of times, but somehow this feels new to me. It's exciting and different and full of so much passion that was never there before. I move my hands down her body and lift her off of the stool and on to the higher kitchen counter, so I don't have to bend down so far. She wraps her legs around my body as our tongues continue to explore each others mouths. Our lips start to move slower and I gently pull back from her to look her in the eyes. I sweep my fingers across her forehead to pull the hair out of her face. I touch my forehead to hers and gently kiss the tip of her nose, I want to make sure she is feeling this with all the emotion that I am. I need to be sure that she is present, that she wants this the same way I do. I rub my hands down her back and whisper to her in the darkness.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" I need her to know that I don't want to take advantage of her, but I also need her to remember that I am fragile too.

"Yes" She speaks quickly and jumps off the counter, pulling me towards my bedroom.

"Really, because maybe you should take some time to think about this" I grab her hand and bring her back to wear I am standing.

"Carter, no, I want this" She pulls me closer and kisses me softly, rubbing circles down my chest and then undoing the buttons on my pants. "I want you" I take a deep breath; I have to make sure that she isn't going to sleep with me and then run away. As hard as it is to stop her now, I put my hands over hers and move them away from my fly.

"Abby, I don't want to get my heart broken again." She closes the distance between us, kissing my chest and slowly running her fingers down my back. She looks into my eyes and I instantly know the answer to my question.

"Come on" She smiles seductively and in one swift motion I pick her up and she wraps her legs around me. I carry her to the bedroom, never breaking our deep kiss.

We make love for what seems like hours, I don't want to let go of her; what if she's not here when I wake up? I want to get as much of her as I can just in case she changes her mind in the morning. Day light is breaking through my curtains as she lies on my chest silently; we are both sated and spent. I play with her long hair that is fanned out over her back. I lift her bangs out of her eyes to check to see if she's asleep. A part of me wants her to be asleep because I am a little afraid of how she is going to handle all of this in the morning, as long as she is asleep, she will be in my arms. She stirs a little.

"I'm awake"

"It's early" I trace my fingers down her arms,

"I can't sleep" I forgot how sweet and innocent she sounds when she's tired.

"Why"

"I don't know"

I lift my body to gently push her off of me and on to her back. I climb over her and kiss her neck, then rest my head on her breast and wrap my arms around her small frame, pulling her closer to me.

"What are you doing" She rubs my back and kisses my forehead.

"I'm pinning you down" She laughs at me. "So when you decide that this was a mistake, you can't leave without a negotiation" I joke with her, but there is a part of me that wants her to know that I am a little scared.

"I'm not leaving, I just can't sleep" She replies in a crabby voice and laughs again and pushes me back on to my back and climbs on top of me. Of course, I let her; she can do anything she wants to me. I grab a big piece of her hair and pull her down to me, kissing her neck.

"Did I ever tell you how much I like your new hair color?"

"I could tell" I laugh at myself, I should be embarrassed but I'm not, I don't care if she sees me swoon over her. I kiss her slowly, cherishing every second that she is letting me touch her. She is so warm and alive and vibrant. I never want this to end. I pull her down so her whole body is on top of mine and then I pull the bed sheets over us and over our heads. I stroke her hair and massage the back side of her. Her back, her but, her arms, and down her thighs. I can't stop touching her. I feel her heart start to slow and then I know she is sleeping and I finally allow myself to drift off as well.


End file.
